not everyone can be beautiful

backstory

my grandma passed on june 24, 2025. she was my tether to earth and humanity, she was my tether to India. seeing her body laying lifeless put me in psychosis. i understood why people say they would never get over someone. i understood why people ugly cried. i understood the grief when people used to say you get on with your life and it just hits you one day that you will never see that person smile, mad, sleeping, talking, laughing and they are just gone, and you’re separated for eternity. even after a few months of her death my mind couldn’t comprehend how someone could just cease to exist? i was desparately trying to ‘bring her back’. in my mind it was like if she died i know she is just not on earth maybe if i go around the space looking for her i will find her, or atleast someone who looked like her, so i could see her alive one more time. i know it sounds insane but to a person grieving who just wanted one more moment with their life. it changed definition of everything i had understood about life in my teens and early twenties. i was a sheltered child and didn’t know anything about the world. how it worked, how relationships worked, how you’re supposed to feel. how i made others feel. i used to hear news of someone dying and was like so what someone died. my grandfather died 6 years before her and it still didn’t hit me what death was. maybe i wasn’t there in person, but we weren’t really close either.

when i lost my grandma, it was pure love i lost. when she was alive i felt something for her i never had with anyone else. we never had to mention it. she only had one granddaughter and it was me and i only had one dadi and she was mine. when i came to Canada, i couldn’t even think of settling here bc dadi was india, but i didn’t know at the time that her being in india was the reason i didn’t wanna settle in canada. she was the only person who knew me and my intentions. when i came to canada and was away from my moron parents was when my emotions, feelings and impulses started..defrosting? for the first time i felt i needed to remember something from my past. it was like i had been separated from myself and atoms of me and dadi that were diffused into each other were now spread thin across 11000 km like a chewing gum. i feel like a fish that forgot how to swim and is worried about the currents. idk how to explain this honestly it sounds so stupid. she was the only one who spoon fed me love while everyone else forced me to lick it off the knives so they could give me some mind. everyday i try to bring her love back to my mind and give it to my body and pick my hope up like broken piece of glass. a piece a day. i calculated how much time i actually spent with her in my life and after the sleeping and school and tuitions it was just about 3 years. that’s it. such a significant part of my life, i was able to spend only 3 years with her.

and now since she has passed, i have started to look forward to other things. i used to think of them too before but my end result was always india, bc she was there. i don’t feel that tether anymore. she will never be able to see the trees, leaves moving in the wind, clouds moving slowly, people being people.

i can see myself living in canada now. i don’t feel that pull anymore.

 

 

now

i was spending a lot of time on tiktok to numb out. idk if you know there was a huge debate online about iced coffees at interviews being unprofessional. and it made me realize how dumb we are as humans. how easily we forget about the limited and unexpected the time on this earth is. we are all souls first, just covered different second. one soul got no eye, one soul got no leg, one soul got big gear, other small, all souls just colourful af. why won’t we just let our soul talk to the other soul. why are we complicating our lives for no reason? why are we so…divided? why is everything a hierarchy? everything a bubble? everything so…structured? how far from reality are we really? how close are we to not being able to feel anything(i mean dying). knowing me i will have fomo after i die too bc what the fuck do you mean i see yall mfs enjoying with each other and i can’t even talk to you?

it’s like we are all running in the subway, trying to get to the last stop as soon as possible, not realizing the train is taking us all together at the exact same spot and it wouldn’t care how much cash you got in the pocket how much people in the subway love you or hate you, if you were eating something or not.

thinking of this stuff makes me realize our soul has its journey and the human life is just a waiting room. but we are fighting in the waiting room forgetting we all were the same in the first place. we were just given masks for a short while to cover up while we were all together and we took them too seriously and they will be taken away very soon. we won’t get to meet every single soul while we are in the waiting room bc everyone’s there for a short while and everyone will be called for their appointments unexpectedly, but as a soul we know each other and we will always be the same.